/ Home (New, Shiny Things) / Essays (Stupid Opinions) /
/ Reviews (More Stupid Opinions) /
/ Short, Shorter, Shortest Stories /
/ Poetry (Emo Tomfoolery) / Picture of Things /
/ Recipes (Things to Put in Your Face) / Links (Things You May Like) /

         
 

 

  The most modest proposal, ever.

<SATIRE>NOVEMBER/2011 I have to admit that when I saw the YouTube video of Lt. John Pike pepper spraying a group of protesters at UC Davis, it kinda made me giggle. A lot.

I'm tired of snot-nosed punks acting lazy and entitled. I mean, what kind of loser college student protests the very people that may possibly, eventually give them jobs when they graduate. How are they going to pay off their mountains and mountains of student loans if they succeed at turning America into a socialist state that turns its back on the job creators?
 

 
     

I bet they weren't even college students. I bet they car-pooled to UC Davis in an electric VW hippie van that their hardworking parents bought for them.

Pepper spraying "peaceful" protesters is exactly the kind of reactionary authoritarianism this country needs to keep those patchouli-inhaling miscreants in line and out of trouble (and off my lawn).

In reaction to recent events, some of the 99-pukecenters are grabbing their blankies, sucking their thumbs and whining, "Whaaaaaaaaah, that cop was a meanie."

But, I disagree. I think he was showing exactly the kind of visionary wherewithal this country needs. No, demands.

Only through fiery, peppery
force can we take our country
back from the lazy and entitled.
In fact, we owe those losers a
face full of pepper spray. Only through their burning tears will
they be able to see that it is their fault that the country we love is spiraling into a Godless abyss.
.

 
     


At the very least, those spoiled brats are lawbreakers and a danger to this country (they're probably closet socialists, too.) And lawbreakers should be dealt with. Period. End of story. If we let them get away with their shenanigans, we're one blocked sidewalk closer to absolute Armageddon.

What Pike did was so courageous and brilliant that I propose that this country follows his lead. From this point forward, any and all lawbreakers should be met with a face full of pepper spray. This is the remedy for all of our country's ailments:

  • Murdered someone? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Committed rape? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Robbed a bank? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Beat up your spouse? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Parked in a handicapped spot? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Made up a story to get out of jury duty? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Cheated on your taxes? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Jury-rigged your car so that it passes smog? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Threw a party that lasted past 10 p.m.? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Stole cable? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Pirated MP3s? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Jaywalked? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Parked for more than 15 minutes in a loading zone? You get a face full of pepper spray.
  • Cut in line? You get a face full of pepper spray.

In fact, I think that as a society, we should add automatic pepper sprayers to red light cameras. All pictures of red light violators will show them getting peppered. Imagine the endless possibilities of what could be done with an automatic pepper sprayer. You could line the streets with them and blast anyone that gets out of line. Better yet, computers could be armed with them and blast every message board/comment troll as they type! America will become a paradise paved with pepper! (I am giggling to myself just thinking about this.)

We must do this because only through fiery, peppery force can we take our country back from the lazy and entitled. In fact, we owe those losers a face full of pepper spray. Only through their burning tears will they be able to see that it is their fault that the country we love is spiraling into a Godless abyss. Then they will truly understand that if they weren't so lazy (and attending classes), they would be able to find high-paying jobs and actually contribute something to this great country.</SATIRE>

-Caruso Deluxe

 
         
     

< older / top of page / newer >

 
         

/ Home (New, Shiny Things) / Essays (Stupid Opinions) / Reviews (More Stupid Opinions) / Short, Shorter, Shortest Stories / Poetry (Emo Tomfoolery) / Pictures / Recipes (Things to Put in Your Face) / Links (Things You May Like) /

 

 

Copyright 2011, Caruso Duluxe/Turnip Farm. All rights reserved/similar legalese mumbo jumbo to keep you from plundering as you please.